Broken open

searching
left
right
up
down
in
out
above
below
for that place where all directions converge
where i can lay,
broken
open
wounded
healed
whole
holy in my raw mess
a place where i can peel off my skin and lay
in my bare bones
live flesh
holy in this raw mess
a place where i can shed these grand ideals of perfection and return to that precious first state
baby
born
blood
tears
pure
being
seeing
clearly
the world
as it is
as i am

 

all my life i’m searching for that first gaze
that pair of eyes that can see me
and say:
« yes, you exist. you are really here. you matter. »
that penetrating gaze
that loving first gaze
that same place where i can lay
broken
open
wounded
healed
whole
holy in my raw mess
of flesh and bones
spirit and soul
searching for a way out
or through
or in
or beyond
or just here
somewhere
anywhere
that place where all the directions converge and i can lay
broken
whole
holy in my raw mess

and then…
and then?
and then what?

and then i can rest
and then i can sleep
i can sleep away all these years of sleepless nights
i can be
i can be in the way that no doing could ever be
the kind of being that is oh so still
but so alive
and pulsing
throbbing
tingling
quietly ringing being
connected
plugged in
to the radiant source
that quiet being
ssshhh…
the secret being…
like snow melting
water trickling down through layers of soil
soil drinking water kind of being

in the early hours of the morning i asked the owl by my bed:
« can i lay in your gaze and be like soil drinking water? »
she looked back at me for a time, with her intense black eyes and finally said:
« close your eyes »
and so i did
and at this precise moment , outside, the rain began to fall
inside, the wild search began again..
up , down , all around, upside down through the layers of the psyche
but somewhere in the place where inside and outside meet
where the sound of my heavy breath meets the sound of the gentle rain
there is a sense
just a flicker of a sense
a quiet, secret sense
that i am held
as i am
broken
open
wounded
healed
whole
holy in my raw, beautiful mess

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